When Did You Get So Good at Overriding Yourself?

There are so many ways we learn to override ourselves.

You're exhausted, but you keep going.

You want to say no, but you hear yourself say yes.

Something doesn't feel right, but you tell yourself you're overreacting.

You need a break, but someone else needs something from you.

You don't have the capacity for one more conversation, one more responsibility, one more person needing something...

but you make room anyway.

And sometimes we do this for so long that we don't even realize we're doing it anymore.

When overriding yourself becomes normal

For many women, taking care of other people becomes second nature.

We anticipate what everyone needs.

We make the appointment.

Remember the birthday.

Answer the text.

Keep the peace.

Take care of work.

Take care of home.

Take care of everyone else.

We become incredibly skilled at noticing what's happening around us.

But somewhere along the way, we may become less practiced at noticing what's happening inside us.

What do I need?

Do I actually want to do this?

Do I have the capacity for this right now?

What is my body telling me?

What would I choose if I paused before automatically saying yes?

Those questions can be surprisingly difficult to answer.

Your body is communicating, too

Your body is receiving and processing information all day long.

There is actually a scientific term for our ability to sense signals coming from within the body: interoception.

It includes awareness and processing of internal signals such as breathing, heart rate, hunger, temperature, pain and other bodily sensations.

Sometimes the signals we notice are subtle.

A tightening in the chest.

A clenched jaw.

A heaviness in the stomach.

A change in our breathing.

Shoulders creeping toward our ears.

A sense of wanting to pull away.

Or simply the feeling that something isn't quite right.

We don't have to assign a meaning to every sensation.

But we can become curious about them.

What am I noticing right now?

That's very different from immediately asking:

What's wrong with me?

A boundary can begin before the word “no”

When we think about boundaries, we often think about what we're supposed to say.

“No.”

“I can't do that.”

“That doesn't work for me.”

“I need some time.”

But I've become increasingly interested in what happens before the words.

What did you notice in your body?

Was there hesitation?

Tightness?

An urge to move away?

Did you stop breathing for a moment?

Did some part of you know no before your mouth said yes?

If we're disconnected from those signals, it's much harder to respond to them.

That's one reason I believe learning to listen to our bodies can be such an important part of learning to honor ourselves.

It isn't about becoming hyperaware of every sensation.

And it isn't about believing that every sensation contains some profound message we need to decode.

It's about rebuilding a relationship with ourselves.

Notice first.

Then we have more information from which to choose.

From living in your head to experiencing your body

Many of us are very good at thinking.

We analyze.

We explain.

We rationalize.

We make lists.

We try to understand why we feel the way we feel.

And there is absolutely a place for that.

But sometimes another explanation isn't what we need.

Sometimes we need an experience.

This is part of what I love about somatic practices.

Instead of only talking about ourselves, we begin noticing ourselves in real time.

What happens when I slow down?

What happens when I move?

What happens when I take up a little more space?

What happens when I make a sound?

What happens when I let myself breathe?

What happens when I say what is actually true?

And perhaps most importantly:

What happens when I give myself permission to choose?

Coming back to yourself

You don't have to suddenly become wonderful at boundaries.

You don't have to understand every signal your body sends you.

You don't have to stop caring for other people.

And you don't have to become someone completely different.

Maybe the beginning is much smaller than that.

Maybe you pause.

Maybe you notice your breath.

Maybe you feel your feet on the ground.

Maybe you recognize that your chest tightened when someone asked something of you.

Maybe instead of immediately answering, you say:

Let me think about that.

Maybe you notice that you're tired and allow that information to matter.

Maybe you realize you don't actually have the capacity for something.

Maybe you hear yourself say no.

Maybe you hear yourself say yes.

But this time, you know it's your yes.

That's what coming back into relationship with ourselves can begin to look like.

Not perfection.

Practice.

Again and again.

Root into your body. Rise into your truth.

This is some of what we'll be exploring together at Rooted & Rising, my one-day women's retreat in Olympia, Washington on September 19.

We'll use nervous system education, somatic practices, movement, breathwork, reflection, women's circle and healthy vocal expression to explore what it can feel like to come back into our bodies and listen.

To notice our boundaries.

To explore our voices.

To recognize our capacity.

To practice choice.

And to spend a day where we don't have to be the person holding everything together for everyone else.

You don't have to arrive feeling rooted.

You don't have to know what your body is trying to tell you.

And you don't have to know exactly what needs to change.

Maybe you just know you're tired of overriding yourself.

That's enough of a place to begin.

Notice. Breathe. Begin again.

Karen Warwick
Breathe Again Wellness